Crying, crying, crying…

Boy: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “Cos I’m tired, I feel sick, my back hurts, and I’m fat”

I had to have my first blood tests this morning up at the hospital, it said to fast for 2 hours before, so I had to get up early to have breakfast.  As soon as I got up my back was killing.  I got back in bed, having worked til fairly late last night.  When my boy woke me up again, it was only an hour later, so I was a bit annoyed, as he’d said 2 hours.  I had a sore back, I felt a bit sick, and I was realllly tired having not slept well the night before.  All of a sudden I felt overcome with emotion and just started crying, it lasted for a good 20 minutes….my boyfriend had no idea, he left me in the bedroom to get ready, and when he came back I was a snotty, puffy eyed mess.  

Naturally, he told me everything would be fine, we’d go another day if I wanted, so I could go back to bed, and did I want him to rub my back etc…. eventually I blew my nose and carried on getting ready and sorted myself out.  I explained that I couldn’t help it, and I think he understood, as he made a joke about it being his fault for making something grow inside me…he also said we can do some shopping for new clothes, so I won’t complain too much!!! 

Finally told my Dad!

So, yesterday after I finished work, we went over to my Dad’s house and gave him the news.  My boy was expecting him to be super excited, I was expecting him to not be…I think we got somewhere in between.  When I told him, I had a nervous laugh while saying the words “I’m pregnant”, my Dad’s response, “you’re not?!” then asked if it was good news and if we were happy etc, so obviously we said yes, though I think he was more convincing than I was.  Had my dad tease me that I might have twins, which everyone keeps saying, I however, am not amused by this thought!

Booking Appointment
So I had my booking appointment the other day – still not had any tests of any variety done, which I just find so odd, I’m not surprised so many people get to 12 weeks and then find out bad news.  I did get given something I have to take to the hospital to have my blood tests done, I get the results in the post.  Then she sent off the request for 12 week scan, with the double test for downs syndrome, I wasn’t really sure what to do about that, but I guess it’s better to know than to worry.  I knew she was going to ask, yet I still got all worried, panicked and a bit upset when she did.  Anyway, I also get the date for that through the post!
We were given a huge pack to go away with, I had to go into town – I am starting to find my clothes slightly uncomfortable, and my suit definitely doesn’t fit, but needed smart clothes for the next day for a huge meeting in London – so left the pack in the Boy’s car, which I still haven’t collected, and he still hasn’t brought in.  I am hopefully going for my blood test tomorrow though, so hopefully it won’t be too long until I get my results.  Was also given a pot to pee in to take with me next time I go to the midwife, which is the 16 week appointment, which I made, at that appointment you get to listen to the baby’s heartbeat, which is going to be emotional!  The Boy couldn’t do the first appointment she suggested, so we are going the week after, so I will be 16+5 which is apparently better anyway.  I guess it will be easier to find the heartbeat etc because it will be stronger. 

Booking Appointment is Tomorrow….Eeek!

So, my booking appointment is in less than 24 hours…. I feel like I have so many questions, but at the same time, I don’t really know what they are.  The only definite question I have is about my MatB1 form because my boss has told me she needs that before she gets the ball rolling with anything she has to do, i.e. risk assessments etc.  

I’ve been doing some googling – as usual – and babycentre.co.uk have a whole section of things to expect at the booking appointment, though from what it seems, each area is so different you don’t always get what you expect.  

My GP told me I would have a scan at 10 and 12 weeks, but the internet says one scan between 10 and 14 weeks… so that has confused me quite a lot!

One of my worries is when they ask about illness etc; I was diagnosed with depression at 17, and had a really tough time for a couple of years.  I still have bad days and am quite an emotional person, which is really strange, because before the depression people said I had the heart of a stone…maybe it had all built up over those 17 years?  Who knows!  Anyway, with pregnancy hormones and a history of depression, I do worry…but I suppose that bridge will be crossed when it comes to it.

My biggest worry at the moment is that a colleague of mine who has been desperate for a baby since she got married a year ago, although, who is still very young, found out she has a cyst on her ovary.  She is having an operation today to have it removed, so I am guessing this is quite a bad cyst.  I was already worried about her reaction when she finds out, I am now officially 8 weeks pregnant, and so in 4 weeks her wound will still be fresh, so I cannot imagine what reaction I will get.  The people that know say I should take no notice, but easier said than done…she’s a drama queen at the best of times, I cannot imagine what her reaction will be when I ‘announce’.  I have made the decision to do this at a staff meeting, with everyone present, so that she can see I have the full support of the team, and hopefully that her childish jealousness won’t be tolerated.  Again….another bridge, another time…

Craving my Childhood

I keep getting cravings, and most of them relate to nostalgia, I have real urges for things I really loved as a child, my favourite foods etc.  What’s more, my food aversions are pretty similar to those that I had got over in adult life that I just couldn’t stand as a child….I nearly vomited when eating a parsnip!

So, the foods I love are things like macaroni cheese, anything made from chicken, basic pasta and tomato sauce, orange juice, apple juice, ice lollies, jelly and ice cream, boiled ham with boiled potatoes and parsley sauce, bread, bread and more bread, crisps – weirdly ready salted have been a particular urge, and I hate salt!  Crumpets are another one, loving eating crumpets the right side of crispy, when I’ve got in from an early shift at work, or having a big glass of milk, and a chocolate bar, I’ve not a very sweet tooth usually, but can’t get enough chocolate recently, though I do make sure I don’t eat too much chocolate, otherwise it wont be a baby that makes me fat!

Some of the other things I’m baffled by that I seem to have an aversion to are baked beans – which I’ve always loved, just the thought makes me feel a bit eugh.  Tea, cups of tea, I used to have about 6 cups of tea a day, and I haven’t touched it for weeks.  It makes me feel really sick, which is really strange for me.  Cheese is another one, I would usually want some really strong flavoured cheese, crumbly and lovely, or a really gooey cheese, which I know I can’t eat anyway, but I have no urge for it at all.  

I’m sure the food urges will come and go, at this second I really just want a sausage roll, I’ve always loved sausage rolls, right from childhood, but what I really want is one from my local butcher/baker near my parents house!  But I can’t have that cos it’s miles away!

Gutted

This week has mainly consisted of me saying “I’m so tired”, and “my tummy hurts”

I started to worry a little because I’d had fairly consistent tummy pains (google says this is my uterus stretching – ick!), but they stopped for a few days, and my boobs were hurting less, and I felt less sick – I instantly feared the worst, but my boyfriend says it’s perfectly normal.  It didn’t help that I’ve been so ill with a terrible cold, and had to basically suffer through it because everything I want to take says ‘please seek medical advice if pregnant’! Not what I wanted to read, especially not on natural remedy packs that are quite expensive that I’d assumed I could take (I know, never assume, it makes an ass blah blah).  Even olbas oil isn’t 100% safe apparently!!  

A few days after the pains stopped, they came back, three fold.  I was at work with my face on the desk doubled over holding my tummy in severe pain for about half an hour, only a few people at work know that I’m pregnant.  Luckily for me, I happened to be working with 2 of them, if it had been the day after when I was working with nobody that knew I don’t know what I’d have done?!  Being a manager, and working in a hotel, trying to hide from your colleagues that you are pregnant is not easy!!  I have been ‘lucky’ in that I’ve clearly had a cold so felt groggy for that reason, and I’ve had sciatica – the only time I would consider having sciatica lucky – so I’ve been completely unable to lift anything as I have problems even bending!  I’m now at the 7 week mark, so the sciatica only needs to last another 5 weeks, or I am going to have to find another excuse!! 

Another symptom I’m really suffering from is that I am so tired, all of the time, I had a really good night’s sleep – about 9 or 10 hours – then by about 5pm on my day off when all I had done is go to the supermarket (which I only just managed) I fell asleep on the sofa for about 45 minutes.  Usually on my days off work I am super productive, cleaning, tidying, washing, cooking, baking, barely sitting still, music on.  Today, it is 12.31, and I’ve only just mustered the energy to fill the sink with hot soapy water to do some washing up, actually doing some washing up is going to take much more energy.  I haven’t even had any juice yet – juice is vastly becoming my ‘crave’ – and I still need to take my supplements.  I have had a bowl of rice krispies, mainly because if I don’t eat as soon as I wake up I feel really sick.

I ate a pink beef burger
Yesterday I went to the pub for a nice lunch with my boyfriend, first day that I’ve been able to spend with him for so long; the pub’s menu changed and the only thing on it that was at all appetising to me was the burger.  I opted with cheese and bacon – not exactly healthy pregnancy food I know – I cut the burger into 4 pieces and basically massacred it as it was so tall I knew it would never fit in my mouth!  Then as I was eating it, I noticed it was pink in the middle, and knew I shouldn’t eat pink meat. I sort of ate the edges of the burger and left the middle, and had most of the chips, I was still really full after so had eaten plenty, but can’t help but worry about the fact the burger was pink.  I hadn’t even contemplated that it would be pink in the middle, but at least now I’ve experienced it I know that when I go out, I should ask to make sure that it is always well cooked.  I’m going to a wedding in June which I think my preorder was for foie gras parfait or something similar, and lamb for main course, so I will have to change my starter and make sure that the lamb is well cooked and stress the importance with me being pregnant.  Luckily by the time it’s the wedding it will be past the 12 weeks mark by 2 or 3 weeks so people will know and I wont have to find an excuse for changing my mind!

I just cannot wait for the next 5 weeks to hurry by!!!  Even the next week, it’s my booking appointment with the midwife on 26th, and I think, or at least hope, it should bring me some kind of peace of mind!

Told my Boss!!

So, I told my boss about my ‘situation’ a few days ago.  I was so nervous, I wasn’t sure whether it was the right time or not.  I felt ill all day, and wasn’t sure if it was because of the teeny tiny person growing inside of me, or if it was purely an emotional thing.  Looking back it was probably about 50/50!  I waited until nobody else was around and just asked if I could ‘have a quick chat’, closed the office door and said, “I found out, a couple of weeks ago….that I’m pregnant.”  They were the hardest words I’ve said in SO long!  Probably about as difficult as the words “I’ve been diagnosed with depression”, which was 8 years ago!  Luckily my boss was very excited!  I was congratulated – even hugged!  Discussed the effects, i.e. time off for appointments, the fact I may not feel well, scratch that, don’t feel well at all!  All was fine, the next day the deputy congratulated me (had already discussed with boss if it was ok for him to know), discussed it a little more, about time off, how unwell I have been feeling, the fact I haven’t drunk a cup of tea for about a week and a half, when I usually have about 5 cups a day!  I keep drinking orange juice instead!  Having already confided in someone I work with who has a young child, I now know this is perfectly normal, and that I will probably hate fruit juice in 7 1/2 months time! 

I used babycentre.co.uk’s week by week pregnancy guide.  I’m now 6 weeks pregnant, and my baby is the size of a lentil….which is about the size of a pea right?! It has a heartbeat (scary stuff), and the limb ‘buds’ are forming, and so are it’s facial features!  I’ve been finding it hard to be excited, or feel ‘maternal’ or attached to it cos it kinda felt like there wasn’t really anything there, except pain and sickness.  But now I’ve read that, I am feeling slightly more like it’s real, and like it is a person growing inside of me.  

The biggest problem I feel I am having is keeping it secret, I work with a very close knit team, and we are great friends, they always notice if I have a ‘bad day’ and such, I’m sure it won’t be too long before people notice my lack of tea drinking, and excessive juice and water drinking instead.  So far I have managed to avoid any questions at social occasions about not drinking alcohol, and about how tired I look!  Work can be very stressful – in fact my work schedule has been the main reason I have avoided social situations (story of my life, why change now I’m pregnant?!), or have an excuse to not drink as I have been working later that day etc.  

I’m still in the dark about what I should and shouldn’t be doing at work, I’m trying to be cautious of what I’m doing, I would usually opt for some of the more manual work, I like being in the thick of things in the hotel, really getting stuck in, but I am trying to step back and take it easy.  Not too much pushing, pulling, lifting or carrying of heavy objects etc.  

After my chat with my boss she said she would look up what they needed to do, when they needed to do risk assessments etc, my boss doesn’t have children so is about as clueless as me!  

All in all, this week has been tiring, I have slept til Lunch time most days, and am not looking forward to getting up at 6am tomorrow for work.  The worry over telling my boss was really working me up too, but now they know I feel much more relaxed, like I don’t have to try and smile every time I step in to the office and sit down looking a bit ill with a glass of water, or every time I get a cramp in my tummy.

Hopefully the following weeks will just keep getting better, less confusing, and more exciting!

So Many Questions….

So, it’s pretty obvious, I wasn’t expecting a pregnancy… I have so many questions, I don’t really know the answers to, and the internet can get a little confusing.  

When should I tell my boss?  My job can be a little manual, and can involve standing up the whole 8 hours, when does it become bad for me..?  Is it already something I need to worry about?

I get tummy cramps, like period pain…is that normal?  For the first week after seeing that ‘Pregnant’ display, I was convinced that it wasn’t real and that my period was about to come because my tummy just felt ‘periody’, I even took another test, just to make sure.  

My doctor didn’t really seem very useful either, I went to the GP with my boyfriend (who is very excited, but just as confused), she told me everything I’d already read on the internet, take folic acid, don’t eat unpasteurised egg or cheese, don’t eat pate or liver, and gave me my due date…6th December 2012, then told me to pick up the maternity pack, hand the receptionist a form she filled in and told me to make an appointment with the midwife, which is in 3 weeks time!! 

I don’t have many close friends that have children, so I am finding it difficult to find answers to my questions.  The internet is very general, like what I should and shouldn’t do throughout pregnancy…but it doesn’t really tell me what I should be doing in my first trimester, with my baby the size of a seed, is it still dangerous for me to lift heavy boxes?!  I don’t feel that different, apart from the weird feeling in my tummy that I can’t really explain.

Then there’s the emotional rollercoaster, reading the facts about how many first pregnancies end in miscarriage, knowing my mother’s first did, and my boyfriend’s mother’s, and my friend miscarried a year or two ago.  I find myself smiling occasionally and thinking about the future…last Christmas was my first family Christmas with my boyfriend’s huge family, this Christmas I could have a newborn baby!  Life is changing, but at the same time, in 7 weeks time (I’m now 5 weeks gone), I could find out that it’s not changing at all, but I know I can’t spend the next 7 weeks worrying about that.  

Then there’s the nausea, I’ve started getting that sick feeling, when I wake up I need to eat something, but just the thought of food makes me feel ill.  The lack of caffeine is making me feel so tired too, though that could also be the pregnancy…when does that symptom kick in?  

One of the worst things is that I feel so alone, my boyfriend is just so excited, but he doesn’t have to deal with these pains, and strange feelings inside, sometimes it’s like he looks at me and what he sees is a glowing pregnant lady, when I just feel rough, emotional and confused.  He keeps touching my tummy and kissing it, it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.  And he didn’t buy me an Easter egg because I ‘shouldn’t be eating that much chocolate’.

Positive Home Pregnancy Test…Oh dear!!

On Thursday 29th March, I knew my period was a day or two late.  I had an app on my phone that told me so!  I had the day off work, so spent it cleaning up our flat, and starting to get a bit worried.  I needed to do a bit of food shopping as we had nothing for dinner, so popped to the local supermarket.  As I went round, I thought I’d treat myself, it was nice and sunny outside, the perfect weather for a cider, even better, fruit cider, and they had the brand I love that isn’t sold in many places – they even had a flavour I hadn’t tried yet!  I also bought some Pate, I love it spread thickly on some toast, or crumpets and I knew we had some lovely, smelly cheese in our fridge that would make a nice light lunch with some lovely fresh bread…then I reached the pharmacy section, I text my partner to ask if I should buy a test, as according to my app, I was a couple of days late…I hadn’t even had any PMT symptoms and usually I was terrible!  I decided to go for it and bought a double clearblue digital test that dates the pregnancy too, just to be doubly sure!

My partner, R had picked me up from the supermarket after work, he put the beer I bought for him in the fridge, and I put some of the food away.  I’d been out for a couple of hours and needed the loo, and decided it was as good a time as any to ‘pee on a stick’, so I did.  I popped the lid on and left it on the side of the bath; I flushed the toilet and washed my hands then glanced to my left where the test was working, it has a little egg timer to let you know it’s doing something…then I saw it, the word ‘Pregnant’…the egg timer was still spinning,  and I was hoping that somehow the word ‘Not’ would suddenly spring up before that dreaded word.  I took the test outside and showed my partner, then the egg timer stopped spinning and ‘2-3’ popped up below.  He had the biggest grin on his face, I just felt numb, I had a sort of awkward smile, I didn’t know how I felt, I don’t really remember exactly what I said, but I vaguely remember the words “but we’re not married” coming out of my mouth!

The next couple of hours was a bit of a blur, I felt a bit dazed, and had a weird feeling in my tummy, I have no idea if it was an emotional or a physical feeling.  My partner decided it was an appropriate time to crack open a beer, and made me a glass of squash in a wine glass….as if that was any consolation, I’d just bought 2 bottles of lovely fruit cider!  We decided not to cook dinner in the end, and ordered a pizza…then realised there are limitations on what pregnant women should eat, so we had to check on the internet if there was anything I couldn’t have.  I started to feel like my life was over, I love food, good food, my favourite food is cheese, what I can have now is very limited, I can’t eat the gorgeous pate that I’d bought at the supermarket earlier on, I can’t eat a medium rare steak, or dippy eggs!  Only two cups of tea a day?! I don’t know how I will cope…