When I got that positive pregnancy test in April 2012 I wasn’t ready to become a mum, I knew that I didn’t want a termination, but I definitely wasn’t happy; I didn’t know how I really felt. There were a lot of tears, it was a completely unexpected pregnancy.
I instantly started to mourn the life we had just got
Overdrafts were paid off, we had a flat in a nice area, I finally had a job I enjoyed with huge potential, R’s job was going well too and we had a comfortable life with disposable income. We had started meeting friends in London for drinks and I had finally mastered my fear of the tube! I could actually go in to London by myself and find my way to wherever we had organised to meet (thanks to the tube map app and google maps!) I was no longer a scared Northerner in the ‘big smoke’.
I don’t feel guilty about how I felt when I look back
I often wonder if I should; how Oliver will feel about that when he grows up. I can’t imagine keeping it from him, in fact I think that having those feelings has made me more thankful for him, made me feel lucky to have such an amazing person in my life. I kind of feel thankful that he has proven to me that I am capable and I am worthy of being a mother. Without him I would still be fearing all of those original fears. He made me face up to everything and made me prove myself to him and to the world that I could be a good mummy. That I can right the mistakes of past generations and that I can break the cycle of broken maternal relationships.
In just 8 days Oliver turns 3, today is 3 years since my due date, 30th November 2012 so it seemed the right time to reflect on the past and I wouldn’t change a thing!
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