A conversation with my father-in-law this afternoon spurred on this blog post; we were talking about his daughter, my sister-in-law who is 18 and just started year 13 after retaking year 12. She’s really bright, by far the brightest of the siblings (and I’m sure they will agree too), but sometimes doesn’t quite believe in herself. She’s popular, beautiful, athletic, a dramatist and academic, I know, the kind of girl you hated at school, right? But she’s really lovely, I was nervous about meeting her all that time ago because R adores her, but I feel so at ease around her now. R always tells me I should be some kind of life mentor for her, because of the things I’ve been through in the past, and my father-in-law suggested something similar today. I feel honoured by the suggestion but I still don’t feel confident I’m the right person.
So it got me thinking, is learning to believe in yourself ever something people fully grasp?
When I finished school and was thrown in to the scary big wide world I needed to learn to believe in myself, when I applied to uni I needed to believe in myself a bit more and when I was accepted it really pushed me. I went that bit further and when I went to uni I gained more confidence than I’d had in my whole life – as Dolly Parton says, “find out who you are and do it on purpose”. But I think the biggest factor there was that I was away from my friends and family and I had the chance to reinvent myself in to the person that I really wanted to be, rather than the person I was pigeon-holed as and believed I had to be.
I was shy.
I was nervous.
I didn’t feel attractive.
I didn’t feel intelligent.
I was useless at everything I tried.
I was the one of my friends who stood at the back and didn’t say a word.
University changed me, I changed my hair, I changed my attitude, I blossomed. I believed. I know some of my friends back home thought I had changed. But I hadn’t really. I’d just become the person that I’d always wanted to be. The me that was hiding deep inside the shy girl who felt uncomfortable making eye contact.
Suddenly I discovered a whole new world was open to me and it was so much more fun and a much better place to be.
Learning how to believe in yourself is one of the hardest jobs, but if we don’t believe in ourselves, how do we teach our children to have self belief?
Since becoming a parent this is something that’s stuck in my mind, I want Oliver to grow up believing in himself and being the person he wants to be. We encourage him to keep trying when he fails, we talk things through with him that he’s not sure of and don’t push him in to anything that he really doesn’t want to do, but talk about why he doesn’t want to do it and if there’s anything that would help him want to. I hope to keep this going throughout his life, I’d have loved someone to ask me what I wanted and to encourage me in the things that I wanted to do, rather than the things they wanted me to do. It was only once faced with the stark reality of real life that I had the opportunity to think about what I actually enjoyed and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life that the belief in myself started to click, before that I’d felt lost. I found a quote earlier which really resonated with me,
“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”
― Frank Zappa
Today I realised that although I believe in myself in some ways, I don’t seem to believe in myself enough to tell my sister-in-law that she should believe in herself.
My only real advice for my sister-in-law? Look deep within and believe in yourself. I wanted to write when I was her age, but I didn’t believe. It obviously never left me; now at (very nearly) 29 I am starting to believe.
Do you believe in yourself? How do you help your children have self belief?
Feel free to share any quotes below, as you can see, I quite like a good quote!
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What a great post Nat, you are so right. Self belief is really important. I’m terrible since becoming a mum, I never go out / wear makeup / think about myself. It’s a great way to destroy your self confidence, I need to take a leaf out of your book. You are an amazing role model to your sister in law, she’s so lucky to have you.xx
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Ahh, thanks Natalie! When I moved down South it knocked my confidence a bit, I had a rubbish job at first but then when I moved to my last job I felt so much better, but as with you, becoming a mum knocked me too. I’m only really just starting to get it back and I think that is mostly due to blogging!
The Frank Zappa quote! Love it! Love the visuals in your post (I’m such a blog nerd honestly). It really IS one of the hardest things as a parent, especially when you grew up with parents who (unintentionally I’m sure) taught you the very antithesis of believing in yourself!
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Yes, as soon as I saw the Zappa quote it just hit me, I *had* to use it.
Thank you for the kind comments about visuals, I never used to use them but quite enjoy making them now!
As for parents, I’m sure there’s some weird ‘parent language’ where they say one thing but mean something else. I still remember my mum telling me my bum was getting big – I now realise that what she meant was I was becoming a woman as opposed to that I’m fat. Unfortunately teenage me heard “you’re fat”, so I always try to say exactly what I mean to Oliver!
I really want my children to have self belief but so much can knock them down can’t it. I guess if we are confident, they could mirror that. And I too love the Frank quote. Lovely post x
Yes, true. I suppose it’s all about teaching kids to love who they are from the inside out, if they are happy and confident that they are a good person that should help them believe in themselves and find their own path. We are our children’s greatest role models and I’m always conscious of that.
This really resonates with me, I’ve never believed in myself or had any self-confidence. I also loved writing as a child but stopped as a teenager because I thought I was rubbish and had no self-belief whatsoever. I’ve always been my harshest critic. It’s amazing how unkind I can be to myself sometimes – I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself!
I’ve recently been working on myself – learning to believe in myself, accept failure graciously (while learning from it) and follow my passions (thanks to some great teachers via You Tube!) I’ve come back to writing and no longer care what anyone thinks about what I do – I’m doing it for me and because I love it.
I’m still not fully there yet but am getting stronger every day and learning how to believe in myself.
I also want my kids to grow up believing in themselves and with self-love hardwired within them so that they don’t ever have to think about it – it’s just there. I encourage my daughter to pursue her passions (drawing and writing) and try and give her as much confidence as I can. But most importantly I encourage her to be kind – to others and to herself. I hope this means she will grow up liking who she, accepting herself and, of course, believing in herself. It would be such a gift to just have all those things without ever having to think about it or work on it! Some people do and I suspect that originates from childhood. Great, thought provoking post – thank you x
You sound like an amazing Mummy!! One of the most important thing for a child is to have their parents understand them and it sounds like you completely understand your daughter and are able to give her confidence in herself and her abilities.
I’m glad you came back to writing, it’s amazing how therapeutic it can be isn’t it? It’s such a great outlet, especially for ‘finding yourself’ and really figuring out who you are and what’s going on deep inside you, how you’re really feeling and what you really care about – after all it’s what you really care about that comes out on the page!
Well done for working on yourself, so many people simply just give up and peddle through it just bumbling along with a life they aren’t happy with. But I’ve always said to people, if you aren’t happy then change it – only you have that power. Believing in yourself opens up so many windows. I honestly don’t think I’d have ever met R, or at least opened myself up to falling in love with him if I didn’t believe in myself and my abilities.
This is a great post, and it got me thinking. I actually do have self-belief. Not a whole lot, and only in certain areas, but that’s a big leap from where I was even just a couple of years ago. I don’t know if it comes with age, or if there was some turning point, but there is some there. And I think it is something we all have to find on our own, but it can be encouraged by having people around us who let us know from time to time what they think we have strengths in. Sometimes you don’t see things until others point them out.
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I agree, sometimes we can’t see our strengths until others point them out, but a general ‘you’re great’ doesn’t really do much if you’ve spent your life being told or believing otherwise.
I think it’s a really important part of ourselves to work on though, because it really makes you look in to yourself and you learn so much along the way
What a lesson to learn, hey; that we don’t have to live according to the box we’ve been pigeoned holed to, and the label ascribed to us, by so many around. It’s so freeing to know that it’s okay to grow away from what others expect us to be. What freedom to give to our children too.
It seems your sister-in-law is in for a treat, as you know the embrace your ability to support her in embracing hers to grow and flourish beyond the pigeon holes and labels. 🙂 #CommentLuv
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Ahh thank you. I guess giving her a supportive place to be where someone listens to her and values her opinions helps. I know that with her being the youngest (by far) she’s often told that she’s wrong, when really she has a different way of thinking that isn’t wrong at all – just as I’ve been told my way of parenting is wrong before, not wrong, just different.
I really do hope that I can give Oliver the freedom you described.
Brilliant post. I think you’re right, it’s difficult to believe in yourself sometimes. Even having a little faith in yourself can make all the difference.
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You’re right, a little faith goes a long way. I suppose we just have to find ways to give our kids that bit of faith they need, in so many ways!