So, at the moment, all I can think about is my 12 week scan – in 7 days I will (hopefully) be in possession of a photo that weirdly translates into looking like my little alien. I am literally counting down days and hours, it’s probably the last thing I think about before I go to bed, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. It’s starting to take over my life.
Last night I went to bed knowing that in a week’s time I’d be waking up to drink lots of water and have a nice full bladder for my 12 week scan. I had a dream, that I got woken up by my boy, and didn’t drink lots of water…and then I had my scan, which was empty. Not bad news, i.e. “Sorry it hasn’t developed/grown” etc, but empty. I was so confused, I didn’t know what my body was doing to me, all the nausea, the sore (huge) boobs, the bloating, constipation, and unfortunately, now, headaches. It was like my body was playing some kind of cruel joke on me.
I googled – as I always do because I’m crazy – if it was normal to dream of miscarriage, answer came back as yes, because it’s something we don’t have control over and we are anxious. But I didn’t dream of miscarriage, there was no blood, no pain….there was no baby…the internet says absolutely nothing about dreaming of an empty scan screen. I have no idea what it means, but last night when I went to bed I had one of those ‘ooh my boobs don’t hurt so much today’ feelings. There’s also the worry of putting on weight…what if I was just ‘getting fat’. I am hoping it is just my paranoia and anxiety, I have a feeling it really isn’t helping the way I feel though…I’m constantly tired and starting to get headaches, feel tense most of the time too. I don’t know, I try to forget about it, and hope that the next week goes quickly, but I know I just can’t stop this feeling….